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subscribeA Diagnosis
October 28th, 2010
Yesterday I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.
I got the call in the morning and for the rest of the afternoon I sulked around. I called Ant several times in tears, sat on the sofa and googled the term, lamented over the timing of this diagnosis. I was so excited about being pregnant over the holidays and having a reason to gorge myself on desserts. I cried over how baking is my favorite thing to do through Halloween to Christmas, and this year I’d have to skip it all. I fretted over what I would be able to eat. I held back tears while I waited for the receptionist to book my diabetic teaching appointment. I thought about how I must have failed at this being pregnant thing.
I tried to get through the afternoon to naptime…lunch, books, diaper change, songs, jammies. Then I fell asleep. I awoke with an email from Ant, already having sent me a recipe he’d found for sugarless pumpkin muffins with chocolate frosting. And then I got some hope. I spent a few minutes searching for diabetic recipes and became discouraged.
I was hungry but had no idea what was okay to put into my body anymore. Everything, everything seems to have sugar and too many carbs. I don’t even know if it’s too many, but right now I am so afraid to try anything.
I took a 5 o’clock shower. I closed the bathroom door behind me and let the steam fill the room. I stood in the hot stream, the thousands of drops penetrating my head and I thought. And I thought. I prayed to God, asking Him for strength, clarity, and grace. I stood there for a long time. And I thought.
Here’s what I came up with:
I decided I would do my part to grasp those prayers. I decided that I can moan about what I can’t eat anymore, or I can embrace this challenge and move forward knowing that I am creating a healthier lifestyle for myself and my family (maybe one that’s overdue). I realized I am not in this alone. That Ant assured me even before the diagnosis that he would go on the diabetic diet with me. I decided that this condition will give me a reason to take it easy on the holiday baking this year. I will be too far along to stand in the kitchen for hours on end anyway. I realized that I am grateful to have taken the tests and become aware. There is still time to get back on track. I told myself I have not failed. I decided I will go ahead and buy those boots I’ve had my eye on (shopping is one way to cope, isn’t it?). And then I got dressed and made meatballs for my family.
In a way I feel like I must need this diagnosis to make a change. Something hasn’t felt right. I think I was expecting this answer when I saw the flashing number of the doctor’s office on my phone.
I am worried, stressed, confused, and scared. I don’t understand what this really means yet. I can’t grasp the limitations, don’t recognize the okays. But I am going to hold myself accountable. I owe it to myself, but more so to our daughter.
Ant and I are going in for my diabetic teaching appointment tomorrow afternoon. I am actually excited now. It will be good to have a few answers.
Oh sister! I am feeling for you right now. But I am also so proud of you for finding a way to spin this to the positive! You won’t miss the soda, I swear – but I know it will be hard to do without the pasta and the tomato sauce (which apparently is rather sugary).
You can’t fail! You can only accept, grow, learn, and become the person you’re meant to be. Love you! t
Eakster! Have tried to leave my first comment to you multiple times at work and was denied! Have found what looks to be a delicious marinara with vegetarian meatloaf that is a diabetic recipe! We will need to try it when we hang out soon! Love you and think that we may all be a little healthier in support!
[...] limitations are daunting for sure. I will admit to crying again after our appointment. Hormones are making me sappy and no sugar is making me cranky. [...]